I Am A Beautiful Woman

(I Just Don't Know It) 

“What you think about yourself is much more important than what others think of you.” ~ Marcus Annaeus Seneca

Kasey Edwards, author of a book called 30 Something and Over It, recently published an article called "When Your Mother Says She's Fat." You can find the article here and I strongly encourage everyone to read it. In a letter to her Mother, Kasey writes about the first time she learned to associate the word "fat" with her mother at the age of seven. In the same moment, she learned that fat was a synonym for ugly and horrible. She then describes the insecurity and anxiety that developed from growing up in a society that  "tells women that their beauty matters most, and at the same time defines a standard of beauty that is perpetually out of reach." 

Edwards ends the letter by expressing her fears for her 3-year old daughter Violet, still too young to know what makes a person "fat" or "ugly". She wrote, "I don't want Violet to believe that beauty is her most important asset, that it will define her worth in the world. When Violet looks to us to learn how to be a woman, we need to be the best role models we can. We need to show her with our words and our actions that women are good enough just the way they are. And for her to believe us, we need to believe it ourselves."

Articles like this one have been going around the internet. There is another good one here.
However, Edwards' article, in particular, inspired me. My sister-in-law, the mother of two boys, posted it to her facebook page with a comment about her personal pact to never disparage her appearance in front of her kids. She wrote, "They don't see me that way, they don't see ANYONE that way, and they won't unless I teach them to." Though I consider myself an aunt extraordinaire, I cannot say I have ever made any such pact. While I don't recall disparaging my looks to my nephews, I certainly have to my parents, my friends, and my boyfriend. And the worst part is I don't believe them when they tell me otherwise.

Reading this article, I realized something about myself that I didn't like. I have always considered myself a feminist. I wrote my undergraduate thesis about the pursuit of women's rights through art, and I received an assistantship for a master's program that pays my entire tuition plus a stipend. I'm a smart cookie and I work hard. I like stories about strong women and never fail to scowl at the frequent objectification of the female body in television and film (Could Uhura wear anything tighter or shorter?) My fellow graduate students and I enjoy mocking the undergraduate "uniform" on our campus. I have laughed many times to hear these girls, who seem to all dress alike in tight pants or short shorts, described as clones. 

And still I recognize myself in these undergraduates (though you'd NEVER catch me in something so tight or short: not with my thighs). I recognize myself in Kasey Edwards and her mother. Because all my many accomplishments mean nothing to me when I look in the mirror or step on the scale. All this leads me to the reason I am starting this blog:

I am a woman who believes that my worth in the world is tied to my looks 

and I don't want to be that kind of woman anymore.    

When something inspires us, I believe strongly that we should take that inspiration and run with it. So I am writing a blog that, I hope, will help me to recognize the true beauty in myself and others around me. Of course, I can tell myself all day long that true beauty is on the inside and I've got it. But, just as Edwards wrote to her mother, "we need to believe it ourselves." And I don't. My entire life, my parents have told me I'm beautiful and talented and special. For three and a half years, my boyfriend has told me I'm adorable and smart and caring. My oldest nephew says I'm "the best Caitie in the world." But it won't be real until I believe it. This is a commitment I am making to myself, but I need accountability. I am under no delusion that anyone will read this (outside my mother:) but just seeing the words on the screen builds my resolve: I am going to think differently about myself.

 This is not to say that I am going to start liking my pudgy places and chipped fingernails. I will continue to exercise and try to eat a balanced diet. I want to be rid of those problem spots and I want to live a healthy lifestyle so that I can live in my imperfect body long enough to accomplish everything I want to. This blog is not about accepting the "chubby" version of myself and pretending it's beautiful.

This blog is about changing my focus.  I live in this body. So I need to keep it functioning as smoothly as possible. And I need to feel like it's a comfortable and attractive place to live, just like my apartment. But the fact that I like cookies and wear a size 12 dress does not make me a failure. Maybe I choose the cookies when I know it's fattening and unhealthy, but I also choose NOT to eat meat because I am the kind of woman who doesn't want to cause pain to living creatures. I wear a size 12 dress but, more importantly, I am the kind of woman who shops second-hand or fair-trade most of the time because I believe in happy workers and a happy planet. 

I love animals. I love people. I love the Earth. That makes me a Beautiful Woman. Not my size 12 dress or the cardigan I wear to hide (what I believe to be) my fat arms.I know a lot of other Beautiful Women. I want them to know they are Beautiful to. I want to tell you about them. So, everyday I am going to write something that makes me Beautiful (modesty doesn't count:). And, as often as I can find the time, I want to write about other Beautiful Women in my life.