Harry Potter's Guide to Depression

Note: There are spoilers in this post for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. If you haven't read it, there might be something seriously wrong with you. I recommend seeking medical attention, or your nearest library, as quickly as possible.

Over the last two days, my various social media has been blowing up with lovely tributes to the truly talented Robin Williams. The news of Williams' death is so tragic, and I have vacillated between feeling uplifted and sad by the prominence of articles and posts about mental health. Understanding and dealing with mental health issues like depression and anxiety is really important to me personally, and I'm glad to see that it is being taken seriously right now. I am, however, very sad that we often don't become more aware of important issues like this until it results in someone's death. It is my great hope that our society can develop a better understanding of depression and anxiety and lift some of the stigma for those who suffer from it.

Over the next few posts, I would like to share some things that have helped me in my own attempts to improve my mental health. My goal in doing this is to have a conversation about something that we, as a society, don't talk about very openly.

I read a facebook post that called Depression a silent killer. I would agree with that because most people that I know who have experienced depression have largely kept it to themselves. However, I would take it a step further and say that depression can kill you even before you're dead.

J.K. Rowling has said that she based her dementors, the creepy hooded guards of the wizard prison Azkaban, on her own battle with depression. First reading the Harry Potter books, I never thought about this, but Austin and I have been listening to the audiobooks the last few months. We just finished The Prisoner of Azkaban, and I have to say that I think Rowling has captured depression brilliantly.

Dementors suck the happiness out of the very air around them, but they do more than this. In a dementor's presence, you feel like you will never be happy again. They make you think of the worst parts of yourself and your experiences. Eventually, a dementor will turn you into someone unrecognizable. They will suck out your very soul and leave you a shell of your true self.

Of course, in the Harry Potter series, dementors can be driven away by a powerful charm. The Patronus charm uses the caster's happy thoughts and memories to stave off the soul-sucking dementors. I can say from experience that depression does not work that way. When I felt my worst in my year of graduate school, I actually had more to be happy about than to be unhappy about. But this didn't make me feel better. It just made me feel like I was unworthy of all the good things in my life.

However, I have to say that I have a new favorite scene in Azkaban, one that I actually find great strength in when thinking of my own experience with anxiety and depression. Harry was able to produce a fully-fledged corporeal Patronus that drove away hundreds of dementors only because he had glimpsed a future version of himself doing just that (it's complicated). When Hermione expresses her amazement that Harry was able to perform such a complex piece of magic at the tender age of 13, Harry tells her "I knew I could do it this time because I'd already done it."


That is basically my own personal Patronus Charm. There is no simple thinking happy thoughts or chocolate consumption to combat my anxiety or depression. It is what it is. But it is not permanent. I have always been happy again. I know I can get through it this time because I've already gotten through it once.

A Post In Which the Author Channels the Dictionary

 

On March 25th Gloria Steinem turned eighty years old, an event that sparked a great deal of examination of the feminist movement. I think it is difficult for a woman my age to imagine an America before her incredible influence. After all, we have Women's History Month and Ms. Magazine and the Internet is happily overflowing with articles encouraging body appreciation like this one. Still, the more I read, the more I think we need a new word to replace "feminism": a word that more effectively describes what we actually believe and want.

I'm pretty sure that's not about to happen though, so I will just have to explain the less effective word. Reading about Gloria Steinem, I was reminded of two opposing thoughts I have held about the term "feminist" in the last several years, both of them inaccurate. The older of the two thoughts was "I don't dare call myself a feminist or people will think I hate men." This is ridiculous on a number of levels. Feminists do not go around calling men "the enemy". (That is a title we reserve for Rush Limbaugh, for obvious reasons) We do not think that women are superior to men. We simply wish to have the same opportunities and respect as men. Joss Whedon made a great speech (which you can watch here) in which he dissected the term "feminist". His primary dislike of the word came from the fact that "you can't be born an 'ist'". This suffix is used to denote a person who subscribes to a certain belief system or practices a certain activity: botanist, Baptist, sexist. This misleading little "ist" gives the impression that equality for men and women is not a natural state. Obviously an untruth. So here's my first definition:

Feminism - 1. n.  the belief that equality is equality is equality and everybody deserves it regardless of genetic makeup.

The International Men's March to Stop Rape,
Sexual Assault, and Gender Violence

Clearly my fear of being perceived as a "man-hater" was irrational but also seems to be shared. According to a 2013 HuffPost/YouGov poll, only 20% of Americans consider themselves feminists though 82% believe in gender equality. This seems largely to result from a belief that "feminist" has a negative connotation, especially for men. Unfortunately, there are actually real people out in the world who believe that feminists are either lesbians or ugly women who can't manage to land a boyfriend. Well, the whole point of feminism is not to be defined by our sexuality and I don't believe in ugly women so we're just going to move on from that load of [insert unprintable word of your choice]. In reality, feminism is not only beneficial to all women but to men too! My fiancé is an aspiring opera singer with the soul of a poet and an intense dislike for all sports. I imagine he has felt "unmanly" around his buffer, more athletic (but far less loveable) counterparts as many times as I have felt unfeminine by my inability to put on eyeliner.

I'm not stupid or naïve, by the way. I am aware that men and women have different anatomies and hormones and these differences cause them to feel and experience the world in different ways. But this is just genetics doing its thing, not a requirement. However, our society seems to think that men (n. an adult human male) and women (n. an adult human female) are supposed to behave in very specific ways. These are constructs, however, not the natural state of things. I say this with confidence because I have had the good fortune to watch two little boys grow from tiny balls of fat desirous primarily of food and warmth into tiny people with proper little thoughts about dinosaurs, the ocean, and Doctor Who. My youngest nephew, Nico, has a toy kitchen which he adores. He likes to wash his plastic dishes when his Daddy washes the real dishes. Preston, his six-year-old brother, found two mystery Lego people in his Christmas stocking. He opened each package to find a Lego alien in one and a Lego fairy in the other. I do not exaggerate when I say that Presto seemed to think that both Lego figures held equal amounts of awesome.

I want Preston, Nico, and my own future children to dress in a way that makes them feel expressive, play with toys that educate and inspire joy, and pursue subjects, careers, and activities that sustain them physically, mentally, and emotionally. Whether or not these things lead them down a path that conforms to society's definition of masculinity is completely irrelevant to me, which brings me to my second definition of feminism:

Feminism 2) n. the belief that a person is a person is a person and everyone deserves to be treated as such regardless of personal preference.

This brings me to my second inaccurate thought regarding feminism, which was "I can't quite grad school because I write a feminist blog." As if feminism can only be represented and advocated by "driven" or "strong" or "successful" women. (Of course, all of those words are problematic but I'll get to that.) This idea is nearly as bad as the belief that feminism is for ugly women because it is the idea that a feminist has to be a certain type of woman.

In this article, Shannon Kelley credits Gloria Steinem with "showing us that feminists can be funny and get manicures." I like manicures and shopping and pretty dresses. It's kind of crazy, but I actually feel exactly the same about gender equality when I'm looking and feeling "feminine" as when I'm sans make-up and jewelry. Stunningly, my mental capacity is the same too. Being a feminist is not about acting like a man, which is more likely to inspire accusations of being bossy or controlling than respect.

Feminism 3) n. The belief that people should be taken seriously as a result of their abilities regardless of appearance or refusal to conform to stereotypes.

Steinem also redefined the idea that women are supposed to get married and have children, which is a wonderful thing. Marriage and procreation is not something that all men and women want, and no one should be pressured into a forever that they don't want. I personally am excited about getting married in a pretty white dress and I would like to raise some children one day (with equal help from Austin, of course). I have absolutely no interest in running a business, getting a PhD, being an Olympian, or any of the other awesome things that we see women in the news for. My passions and abilities seem to be leading me toward fields that are largely dominated by women. This does not make me feel like a failure as a feminist. This makes me feel like an incredibly strong, independent, and successful woman because I am taking steps to achieve the things that I know make me feel happy and fulfilled.

Feminism 4) n. the state of being true to oneself. 5) n. a word that describes the natural human state

Gloria Steinem has done tremendous things for American women, but we are a long way from thinking that feminism is cool. I admit, it's not the most self-explanatory of words but put it next to postmodern and it looks oh-so-friendly. Unfortunately, it's a word we still need but I hope not for too much longer. Take a lesson from your friendly neighborhood historian: inequality is sooooo last century.

Feminism 6) n. a word that describes the way things ought to be

Feminist graffiti on an offensive advertisement, 1979 

A Brief Message to Mothers

I have been thinking about this post for a while now, ever since my friend Vanessa sent me this amazing poetry video. It is not very long but is wonderfully insightful. Please watch it!

I have toyed with the idea of a post devoted to mothers for months now. Finally, I have decided to write it today on my own mother's birthday.

You may wonder what qualifies me to give advice to mothers since I am not one. I have a mother though and so I consider myself an expert. It is my belief that parenthood is the most important job in the world. Parents call their children their greatest accomplishments. They say that raising children is the most fulfilling thing they've ever done. This is not what I am referring to.

I am talking about saying things to Austin that I've heard my mother say to my dad. I refer to my love of fantasy and science fiction, my taste in music, my anxieties, my obsessive organization, my writing skills, my love of books and British television, my aversion to spicy foods, my devotion to crocheting, my belief in education, my open mind and overflowing heart. I refer to the essence of myself, all of which can be traced to one of my parents.

I am me because my parents are who they are. I might have been different. Austin might have been different. My nephews might have been different. The whole world might be different based on what parents taught their children. This is why I consider parenthood the most important job ever: because parents make the world what it is.

So mothers have to be careful what they teach us. Obvious, right? But I think our mothers have missed something. This is not directed at my mother but all of them, including the one I hope to be someday. It's not enough to teach us that we are beautiful and perfect and loved just the way we are.

You have to teach us that you are beautiful too.

The older we get, the more we become like you and I, for one, celebrate this. It gives me courage and confidence. Because I am like my mother, there is hope I will achieve all that I want to. But there is danger too. Will our mothers teach us that we are perfect now but we are destined to be made ugly by aging? Will my body be destroyed by my own future motherhood? We learn in our youth that every birthday is an important one because we are always worthy of celebration. Mothers, will you teach us that, at a certain age, we should not celebrate getting older anymore?

Mothers, assure us that we will not one day lose our self-worth.  Teach us that we will always be beautiful and perfect and just the right size. Teach us that it will always be more important to be smart and kind than thin and feminine. Teach us that another candle on the cake is something to be grateful for because life is a blessing.

Please.

Teach us that you are beautiful so we can believe that we will be too.