"No" Is A Complete Sentence

The historian in me is embarrassed to admit that I do not know the context of this photograph. The avid reader in me, however, likes to imagine the story that it tells. This is the face of a determined woman, a woman who has a mission. It is the face of a woman daring passers-by to contradict her message. "You are NOT Powerless," she tells the people passing her on what appears to be a cold winter's day. Is she telling women they can and should vote? Is she telling passers-by that they have the power to seek social reform for tenement-dwellers and factory-workers? Is she making a holy proclamation about a power that comes from God?

Frankly, it doesn't matter. What matters to me is the message because I believe it to be true. I also love the subtext of this woman's message: You are NOT powerless. And because I stand here in the cold, my jaw set in determination, proclaiming a message that can't be missed, I am NOT powerless either.

This photograph expresses precisely what I attempted to say in my post "Starfish", but I only found it later. My Mother commented about the post, "We should never underestimate the power we have as individuals to lift up - and tear down - our fellow human beings." I am inspired by both the photo and my mother's comment so I wanted to share them. This post, however, is not meant to be a reiteration of a previous one.

I have spent a lot of time lately writing about what we, as women and as human beings, can do for others because it is something I think about a lot. But it is time, for me at any rate, to think about what I can do for myself as well. I have a lot of demands on my time and attention. In addition to this, I place a lot of pressure on myself to do things like save the world. And on top of it all, I am really lucky to have a lot of people in my life that I love and want to spend time with. Needless to say, sometimes I just want to do what I want to do. I imagine that this is pretty ordinary for most people. My problem, of course, is that I have tremendous difficulty saying "No". Whether I can't do something or simply do not want to, I find myself feeling guilty when I do not appease someone.

For example, I am an introvert. This does not mean I dislike people. In fact, I like people quite a lot. I find my friends and fellow graduate students stimulating, funny, kind, and generally good company. However, when they invite me to go to a local restaurant every Friday night for french fries and liberal amounts of beer, my stomach gets all knotted. I don't want to go, but I don't want to seem anti-social and my friends say I need to relax. The fries are to-die-for, but I simply can't stand the after-taste of alcohol and the smell of beer alone makes me wrinkle my nose. But what I really dislike is the noise. In an hour, I'm ready to leave but there are so many people to say goodbye to that it's another hour before I'm on my way home where I arrive feeling exhausted and gasping for a diet coke and a fluffy novel.

Or sometimes I wouldn't go. Sometimes I would say, "Austin's coming into town" or "I've got loads of homework" or "I think I'll go to bed early." Then I tell myself it's not really dishonest, it's just that I don't want anyone to feel I don't appreciate them or that I'm unfriendly. If this is a familiar thought or feeling, please read the following note aloud.

Now read it again. And again. Read it until you believe it to be true.

Do I feel terribly guilty about using homework that I don't plan to do as an excuse for not going out? To be perfectly honest, not really. Don't get me wrong, I do not advocate even harmless lying. But I believe that there are two far more serious problems with this habit of mine, that are actually detrimental to myself and others.

The first problem is my belief that I must offer an explanation for my choice not to go out on a Friday night. The need for explanation suggests to myself and others that my choice is somehow wrong or inappropriate. If I must offer an excuse for my disinterest in the event, then I must ask myself "Is there something wrong with my not going?" And the answer to that question is also a complete sentence: NO. I am not going because I do not want to go. It's Friday night, and I've been working hard all week. I need to re-energize. This is a humorous article explaining introversion but there is actually a lot of truth to it. While extroverts get energy from hanging out with others, this drains an introvert's energy supply. We recharge our batteries by having alone time, or doing something calm with one or two of the people closest to us.

The second problem is potentially even more serious. Not only do I feel the need to excuse my absence, but I actually have to make up an excuse. I don't want to go to the pub on Friday night because sipping cocoa while watching reruns of Downton Abbey sounds so much more relaxing. Or maybe I'll crochet a pair of slippers or read a couple of chapters of a novel. Maybe I'll spend an hour on the phone with an old friend. To say I'll be doing homework or sleeping suggests that these are not legitimate interests or activities. And this is really just a way of convincing myself that there is something wrong with me. I don't like the things I should or behave the way I should. Someone inspired me once, saying "Don't think about it like 'Something's wrong with me'. Think 'It's just not me.'" 

The myths about introverts are not true. We are not anti-social, unfriendly, or boring. But how can I express that to the extroverts in my life when I act as if I am ashamed of the things I enjoy? How can I respect myself when I don't respect my interests?

(I'll just have to credit pinterest with this one since I don't know who wrote it)

 

This blog is all about embracing my true beauty. I can't do that if I walk around feeling like the "real me" isn't interesting enough to show the world.Well, I'm finished with that. I am who I am. I am beautiful. And I won't apologize for that.