A Lightness About You

I just got home from the Auburn history department's graduate student mixer where I was welcomed and hugged. And I replaced my plans to write a post about female role models in media for a brief follow-up on my decision to discontinue my graduate program.

I wanted to do this for two reasons. The first is to say THANK YOU. I have been so overwhelmed by the positive response to my decision and my post. I had some anxiety about telling people, but I promised myself that, no matter how nervous I felt or how anyone reacted, I would not act as if I am ashamed or I have failed in some way. Because I'm not and I haven't, even if some people thought otherwise.  In fact, most people, when I explained my reasoning, agreed that I made the best choice for my own health and well-being. They were just glad that I made a decision that makes me happy and hope it will make me a more social creature.

Of course, there have been a couple of people who have considered it a financially unsound decision as withdrawing from school (which provided me with a monthly stipend) was the equivalent of quitting my job. Once I even heard, "There's not much money in social work or libraries" (as if historians are rolling in cash). I admit that these instances made me angry, but they also taught me what it really meant when Atticus Finch told Scout to stand in someone's shoes and walk around in them for a while. I can see what this looks like from the outside, but I also know that on the inside it feels right. And the people who matter can see that too. It felt amazing to hear my friend DG say, "There's a lightness about you that I don't think I've ever seen before." And he's known me since I was an undergraduate.

I felt most validated, however, when three of my friends told me they shared my post with someone who felt as if their own decision to quit graduate school was a disappointment or a failing. This leads me to my second reason for wanting to post a follow-up.

 

When I told them of my decision, several people surprised me by sharing their own personal battles with academic-related anxiety and depression. All the time I struggled, there were people around me who knew what it was like, and I just didn't know it. Depression and anxiety make you feel alone and isolated. I want anyone who may be struggling to know that it's not true. I promise you that someone else (like me) has felt the same way. And whatever you decide, most will understand and be supportive. Certainly the decision leads to other complications, such as my current unemployment. But I finished a year of graduate school, made the difficult choice to not finish it, and told everyone about it. Honestly, I can handle whatever comes next. And so can you. You have been strong and brave and what you were once you can be again. Let there be a lightness about you.